


What It Means To Be Queen

by Tch0upi



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Reveal, Merlin drowning, Merthur - Freeform, Near Death, Set late in series 4, Tag to season 3 episode 10 Queen of Hearts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 01:19:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5608315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tch0upi/pseuds/Tch0upi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Once, many years ago, his father said that Guinevere was just a serving girl, that she didn't understand what it truly meant to be a queen. Arthur didn't listen to his father then, and today he still thought that Uther had been wrong. Guinevere would be a great queen. He knew it. She was wise, strong, smart and she had a kind and unselfish heart."</p><p>Arthur can't have both of them. But when the unthinkable happens, he realizes just how much he loves Merlin, far more than he ever loved Gwen. But what about Camelot? What about an heir? What about the future? The kingdom needs a queen...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What It Means To Be Queen

**Author's Note:**

> At first I didn't want to post this, I wasn't sure if it was good or worth it, but why not? 
> 
> Hope you like it! :)

 

 

Once, many years ago, his father said that Guinevere was just a serving girl, that she didn't understand what it truly meant to be a queen. Arthur didn't listen to his father then, and today he still thought that Uther had been wrong. Guinevere would be a great queen. He knew it. She was wise, strong, smart and she had a kind and unselfish heart.

"You ready?" he asked her.

She stood in his chambers, a couple of hours before her coronation. They were going to get married. And she was going to be crowned Queen of Camelot. Arthur should ask that to himself though, but he already knew Guinevere would do good by his side. They were great friends after all, and they were a great team together. And they weren't even alone on this team. Arthur took a look at Merlin, their loyal and trustworthy friend, who was standing beside Gwen, near the window. Arthur smiled fondly at both of them, his heart swelling with pride and love.

She smiled back at him.

"I am."

"You know you can change your mind, right? Nothing is set in stone. You're still free to decide you don't want this anymore. And I won't be angry at you or resent you in any way."

Gwen shook her head, and gave Merlin a look before turning her head back to Arthur.

"We've already had this conversation, Arthur. I'm okay with this. I'm ready and I'm willing. Leon is okay with it as well. We’ll all be alright."

The King of Camelot nodded. Yes, indeed, they already had this conversation... and he remembered it all too well. He remembered the events that led to it. The events that made Arthur realize his feelings and what he wanted and needed for the future of his kingdom... What truly was in his heart.

 

* * *

**One year ago…**

Arthur knew it. He knew something like this was going to happen. Merlin was a walking disaster, he was _excellent_ at finding himself in impossible situations, most of the time very dangerous situations too. In fact, he was the world’s champion in the category of walking disasters, Arthur would say. They were on a hunting trip, along with some of Arthur’s most trusted knights and friends — and Gwen, because she had wanted to go see her father’s grave — when it happened. When the idiot _drowned_ in the cold river.

They had argued, rather violently. And Merlin had ran away…

It had all started a very long time ago, but the night before they left Camelot, on a moment of weakness, they’d made love. They had never done this before, they had only ever kissed but they’d never succumbed to each other like this ever since Gwen and Arthur had become involved, and in an opened relationship. But that night, they just… they had just lost it. 

During the last three days of the hunting trip, Arthur had acted normally around Gwen, kissing her on the lips, on the cheeks, on the forehead, and being the perfect _husband-to-be_ , making her laugh and touching her lightly and tenderly. No one suspected anything. No one doubted that during the nights, Arthur only thought of Merlin, of his body, of their first time. No one doubted that when Merlin went to search for firewoods, and that Arthur said he'd go look for water in a different direction, he was in fact joining Merlin and stealing a kiss or two from him.

But Merlin has had enough. He wanted Arthur, of course he wanted him. God, he _craved_ for him. But he couldn't have him that way, making Gwen think she had him and that Arthur was solely hers. It was wrong, and Merlin couldn't understand why Arthur was convinced he could have both of them. This couldn't work. And Merlin was incapable of such disrespect toward his friend. Guinevere deserved better. 

So that evening, while Guinevere and Elyan had gone to see their father's grave — they had set up the camp at an area near the emplacement of the grave — along with Leon for more protection, Arthur had pulled Merlin under his tent, the one that was meant for Arthur and Gwen’s privacy. Gwaine was laughing with Percival around the fire, eating and drinking, they hadn’t notice. Merlin followed Arthur, but stopped him when he started to kiss and undress him.

"What's wrong?" the king asked.

"We have to talk."

"What is it?" Arthur said, annoyed. 

He stepped back and Merlin remained silent for a minute or two. Arthur frowned as he noticed the serious tone in the manservant's gaze and face. 

Merlin took a deep breath before he finally talked. 

"We have to stop."

"What?"

"Gwen. We can't go on like this, being lovers behind her back. It's wrong. And I don't like it—..."

"Merlin—..."

"You can have her or you can have me. But you can't have both, Arthur."

"I can have what I want. I'm the king, remember?"

"You're a royal prat, that's what you are, and despite what you think, no, you _can't_ have everything!"

"What's getting into you? I thought you wanted this as much as I. You would deny me now?"

"Yes! You may be king, Arthur, but sometimes you have to realize that not everything is granted to you on a silver plate! You're engaged. You love Gwen, she loves you. That's how it's meant to be. She'll be your queen. We... _We_ don't exist in this, at least not anymore!"

Arthur didn't want to hear any of this anymore. His heart felt like it had been crushed painfully. He needed Merlin. He wanted Merlin. It could work. He'd have Guinevere as his queen, and he'd have Merlin, his wonderful secret lover. They'd be careful. Every king had lovers. He wouldn't be the first. So why couldn't Merlin agree with him? After the other night, Arthur had thought Merlin would grant him anything, he had thought they'd agree to everything, he had thought Merlin would do anything to be with him. For them to be together.

Then why?

He spotted Merlin's eyes, and noticed the hurt and the ache, the sadness deep in the blueness of his irises. And he realized that Gwen was his friend. His best friend. Merlin was always so good to everyone, of course he couldn't hurt her...

Arthur stepped forward. When he was close enough, he reached for the man's hands, but Merlin pulled away quickly. 

"What is it with you?" Arthur said, annoyed, reaching again to hold Merlin's waist. "I thought we had... something."

'We don't. I told you, not like this..."

"It's alright", Arthur said smiling softly. "She won't know. We'll be careful, we..."

But Merlin was having none of his soft smiles and sweet words. He was angry, that Arthur thought he could have them as easily as snapping his fingers. 

"No, you’ll tell her!" he cried. "You'll tell her tonight, or else your marriage will be based on lies! What good would that achieve for the kingdom? You need a queen you can trust, a queen that can trust you, and—..."

Arthur's expression was scowled, as anger built inside him.

"Lies?!" he exploded. "You're really accusing me of lies? While _you've_ been the one lying to everyone!"

The moment Arthur said the words, he immediately regretted them. Merlin's face was one of pure fright. He seemed confused, not really understanding but Arthur knew he did understand. Deep down, he knew exactly what Arthur was referring to. Arthur knew about the magic. He knew Merlin had magic for months now. After the dorocha, he had started to doubt it. No mortal could survive their touch, Gaius had said so, and Arthur had witnessed the victims, they died the instant the creature touched them. Merlin wasn't just a man, and somehow Arthur had always known Merlin was special. He was more than... more than anything a normal man would be. 

After he had recovered completely from the cold creature, Arthur had started to watch him closely, and had finally seen the magic. It was on a patrol, during the night. It was Merlin's turn of watch, and the bloody idiot had recklessly played with the fire. Arthur couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe his eyes. It was so beautiful, the little donkeys made with embers, flying around in the air, along with the butterflies. Merlin was turning his back to Arthur, but the king could hear the chuckles the man made, just like a child. Arthur couldn't bring himself to be scared. He was angry, he had been angry since the day he had began to doubt Merlin had magic — for being a sorcerer, for lying to him. But at the moment, it was just beautiful, fantastical, surreal. Arthur was fascinated. And somewhere inside him, he just wondered how he could have ever thought magic — or Merlin — could be evil, he had never thought, or known, that magic could be use like this, like a toy, like such a childish toy. The man was making flying donkeys and little butterflies in the remaining of the flames; where was the threat? He was innocent and hopelessly harmless. Arthur had just realize at that moment that Merlin was Merlin, the same stupid ass, insolent, funny, kind and clumsy manservant he had always known. So he decided to not tell Merlin he knew, even though Arthur had wanted to slap the back of his head for being so careless. He decided he would wait for Merlin to be ready to tell him, and ever since, he’d been watching him from afar to make sure he was safe.

But right now, Merlin looked hurt, and scared. His eyes were big and full of feelings, negative feelings Arthur wanted to take away, to wash away from his beautiful eyes, where they didn’t belong. Arthur felt like a coward, using Merlin's deepest secret and most sensitive chord against him. It was low, very low.

"You... you knew?" Merlin finally let out, the words only a soft and trembling breath. 

After a moment, chasing the painful impression that Merlin sounded betrayed, Arthur sighed. 

"Yes. I did."

_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's alright, don't be afraid, love, it's alright..._ , were all the words Arthur wanted to shout, but were left unspoken. 

Merlin was still staring at him, looking so hurt and so lost, Arthur felt the need to step closer. 

"Merlin, it's fine, I... I'll tell Gwen, I promise, and we'll find a way to be together, and we'll be alri…"

"No, I… Don’t."

Merlin stepped back the moment Arthur's hand touched his. He stumbled backwards and ran away, bumping into Gwen as she walked in the tent. He looked at her briefly before leaving in a hurry.

"Merlin!" Arthur screamed, but he was gone.

Guinevere frowned as she looked at him.

"What is going on? What will you tell me?"

Arthur let himself fall on his bedroll, taking his head in his hands and sighing again. She heard. She _bloody_ heard. What else could go wrong? 

"Arthur?"

"Nothing, Guinevere, I..."

He lifted his head up and looked at her.

"I'll go find him before he gets himself lost."

Gwen nodded, still confused, and a bit worried. At the same time, Gwaine walked in the tent, looking startled and concerned.

"Why did Merlin just run away like this? What happened?"

"Nothing to worry about", Arthur said, even though he hoped it was indeed nothing to worry about. "I'll go find him."

Gwaine frowned and Arthur groaned, frustrated.

"We had a little... argument, but everything's fine. I know Merlin. He'll need a little walk but he won't be angry for long."

"You shouldn't go on your own", Gwen then said. "It's getting dark, and on our way back from my father's grave we've encountered bandits. We've been able to walk around them without being seen but surely they're still in the area."

"What?!" Arthur shouted. 

He glanced at Guinevere before he turned and grabbed his sword. He then walked outside the tent. She followed him and Arthur soon stood in the middle of the camp. A small fire was still burning and the knights all lifted their heads up at the king's sudden appearance. They all frowned seeing Arthur's worry and concern, spread all over his face. 

Arthur looked around but there was no sign of Merlin. 

"What's going on here?" Elyan asked, rising from his seat.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your evening, but we're leaving", said the king. "Does anyone know which direction Merlin went?"

"He went that way", said Leon pointing to the left, where trees and darkness were intertwining. There was no telling where the trees ended and where the darkness began. It was so dark... He was suddenly so worried that he started to shake. 

"But..." Gwaine continued, but was soon interrupted again by Arthur.

"Guinevere told me there were bandits earlier. It's possible they're still in the area, so we're going after Merlin before the idiot finds himself in their grasp. We all know he is completely capable of doing such a thing."

Elyan glanced at Gwaine before he stood up. Leon nodded too and quickly prepared himself. The other knights also prepared themselves and Arthur stayed still, his hand on his sword, his heart beating so fast in his chest. He suddenly remembered Merlin had magic and was probably more than capable of taking care of himself — which was, besides, surely the reason he was still alive to this day, being the clumsy and reckless idiot that he was — but that didn't stop Arthur from being worried. Merlin was perfectly capable of injuring himself on his own, he didn't need bandits or anyone to do that. The man had such a poor sense of self preservation. And he was hurt from their argument, he was upset and scared because of the magic thing. He could be running in harm's way without even knowing, he had his guards down and it was dangerous out there. Even for a sorcerer. Because apart from the bandits, Morgana was still lurking in the dark, somewhere. 

Arthur really had a bad feeling about this. He knew something was going to happen…

So they followed Merlin’s tracks as best they could. The area they found themselves in a couple of minutes later was lacking big spaces and flat ground, it was uneven and bumpy, the path was narrow because of all the trees surrounding them. There were hollows and a deep river flowing all the way down the ravine. An hour later, Arthur finally caught view of his servant.

"He’s over here!" he said to the knights and Gwen who was walking side by side with him, relief washing over him. 

Merlin was near the edge of the ravin, sitting on a tree root. He didn’t seem to have heard them coming. Arthur, who had been worried and impatient to get him back for nearly an hour and a half, took a couple of steps forward. 

"Merlin!" he exclaimed. "There you are!"

The young warlock jumped on his feet, startled, and turned around. He seemed alerted and terrified, but when he took notice of who it was, he seemed to relax. _Good_ , Arthur said to himself, _as if I ever was going to hurt him in anyway…_

"You shouldn’t be here on your own, Merlin", Gwen said coming closer in turn. "It’s dangerous, and there’s bandits around."

Arthur stopped when he noticed how close to the edge of the ravine Merlin was now standing, telling himself he should give Merlin space and time to come back to him on his own, when he’d be ready. He didn’t want to rush him, as he knew Merlin was clumsy enough to trip if he was caught off guard again. But damn, Arthur thought, he was standing too damn close! 

"I’m fine, Gwen", came Merlin’s answer, finally, after a short silence. 

"For pity’s sake, Merlin, step away from the edge, will you?" Arthur shouted at once, hating the way he sounded but couldn’t, for the love of all that was sacred, care less at the moment.

Merlin looked at him, and they only had time to lock eyes, before the unthinkable — all that Arthur dreaded would happen — happened. Merlin opened his mouth as if to say ‘ _It’s alright, I’m coming_ ’, but he, indeed, found a way to trip. Arthur’s eyes went wide with panic and pure horror as he watched Merlin’s body slip from the edge. It merely took a second, and Merlin was gone. 

"MERLIN!" Arthur immediately roared, his voice an animalistic sound in the quiet night.

They were all so shocked they lost their breath, but Arthur didn’t, as the yell came out of his mouth without his permission. He hadn’t thought at all, his body just reacted on his own. He ran to where Merlin had tripped, quickly followed by the knights and by Guinevere who was now screaming too. 

"Oh no, Merlin!" she said as she knelt beside Arthur, trying to see down there. 

Arthur leaned over but saw nothing but the raging river, the fast and deathly current. The height only would have been mortal. It was too high. There was no way Merlin would’ve survive this fall, and if he had, the waters would have killed him instantly. Incomprehension and pain shot through him like a sword, and for a moment it was so quiet… so damn _quiet_ he could hear the buzz of a mosquito. Gwen was silent, Elyan was quiet, Percival, Leon, they were all so quiet, as if they were already mourning Merlin. Of course they had to be, he was dead. There was no way he could still be alive… Why the hell did that idiot had to stand so close to the edge? WHY? Arthur felt so powerless. And why didn’t Arthur do anything? He should have run straight to him and take him away from the edge, from his certain death. But he hadn’t… 

No. Merlin wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be. 

Then denial came. Arthur wouldn’t hear anything. Merlin was alive. And he was going to find him.

"We—We have to get down there", Arthur said, voice shaking. "Let’s go!" he added a little more confident. 

He pushed Leon as he turned around. The knight frowned, looking at the king with dumbfounded and sad eyes. 

"Are you mad, Sire? There’s no way Mer…"

"I’ll have none of that!" Arthur screamed, turning to face Leon, and everybody else. "I’m going down to find Merlin! You’re free to follow or go back to camp!"

Guinevere stepped forward, tears marking their way down her cheeks.

"Arthur, please, I know it’s hard to accept, but… It’s over. You can’t go, it’s too dangerous!"

Arthur’s eyes softened just a little as he faced Guinevere. 

"I’m not leaving him in the river! Dead or alive, I… I have to find him!"

_But he is alive_ , Arthur said to himself. He had to be. 

Arthur then ran, and there was nothing the knights and Guinevere could do to stop him. When it came to Merlin, there was little they could do to bring Arthur to reason. 

Getting down from the high hill was the easy part. The hard task was to find a clue to where Merlin would be. The river seemed calm but Arthur knew the current was strong and vicious, and it could’ve taken him far away by now. Was Merlin still even conscious? There could have been the slightest chance he wasn’t knocked down from the fall, and maybe he was trying to swim his way to the shore. The idiot always found a way to survive everything they ever went through even if he wasn’t a knight, or trained, or armed. Arthur knew Merlin was stronger than he looked. He had to have faith in him, he had to believe he was still alive. He couldn’t abandon him. _He could not._

"I’m going in", he said as they walked towards the river. The sound the water made in the still and quiet night was frightening. 

"Arthur, it’s…" Gwen started.

"I’ll go", Percival interrupted. "Sire, if you allow me."

Arthur frowned, looking at the tall knight.

"I’m bigger and physically stronger than any of you. I’m more likely to be able to pull Merlin with me _and_ counteract the current.'

Arthur contemplated for a moment his friend’s suggestion. One look at the dark waters flowing with such force and Arthur knew they had no more minutes to waste or they could lose Merlin forever. 

"Alright. But be careful! I’m not losing two of my dearest friends tonight."

As soon as he had the king’s consent, Percival nodded and started to take off his cloak. He got rid of his sword and any other heavy thing on him that could slow him down. Then, he stepped close to the river and without wasting anymore seconds, dived. 

It felt like eternity. To Arthur, it was like torture. Gwaine couldn’t, for the love of God, hold his ground. He was agitated and wouldn’t stop saying if Percival didn’t emerge, he would join him to help him find Merlin. Gwen had stopped crying but her cheeks were wet and she had a hand over her mouth, looking at the river with horror as she waited. Leon and Elyan stood behind, and their expressions were the same as the others: painful. They all felt so powerless but there was nothing to do but wait.

The minutes seemed to flow away just like the river, and Arthur could hear his heart beat so fast in his chest, with fear and panic, and pain. It was dark, it was cold. Merlin, if he was alive — and he was! — would surely be freezing and hurt and…

He stopped his thoughts when he saw Percival emerged from the water, after a period of time he couldn’t measure.

The big knight was carrying Merlin. As soon as everyone caught sight of the unresponsive servant, they all stepped forward to help Percival. The latter swam to the shore, an arm secured around Merlin, and was helped to solid surface by Leon, Gwaine and Elyan. Arthur didn’t lose any time. He took Merlin’s limp body and, taking a few steps, lowered him to the ground. 

"Merlin!" he called.

He was pale, his face as white as a corpse’s. His lips were blue, he had several cuts on his face and on the rest of his body, some of his clothes torn to shreds. Arthur’s eyes landed on a more important wound located on the servant’s forehead, on his hairline, where blood was running down his face mixed with water. He had probably hit his head on the way down, on a rock, maybe…

"Merlin, hey, you hear me?" Arthur called again as he shook him hard. 

He could hear the knights hovering around him, he heard Guinevere calling Merlin, her voice shaking, he heard Gwaine cursing. He didn’t care. He took Merlin’s pale face in his hands and shook him again. "Come on Merlin, open your eyes!"

Then his hands went to circle his neck and his throat seeking for a any pulse, but was more shocked at how cold he felt. He could clearly remember Merlin’s warm skin, Merlin’s warm and hot neck, pulsing with life, as they made love on Arthur’s bed a couple of days ago. He could remember the colours on his face, the shades of pink when he was blushing, the beautiful sounds he made, his gaze burning with love and desire when he looked at Arthur. He had been so alive. And now he was lying here, cold and dead.

No. Arthur shook his head, and jolted the young man’s body again. 

"Merlin, wake up! Now!"

"He’s not breathing, sire", Elyan said as he kneeled down beside him.

Arthur wanted to shout, to yell at the top of his lungs. His hands, gentle at first, became rougher as he shook Merlin harder and harder.

"Come _on_ , Merlin!" he said again. "Do NOT do this to me!"

But the man wasn’t answering. Elyan was right: he just wasn’t breathing.

Arthur knew what he had to do. And he didn’t hesitate. 

He leaned, held Merlin’s nose and opened his lips to blow air into his mouth. Merlin was so cold, so unmoving. It hurt to see but Arthur wasn’t giving up. He blew again into his lungs.

"Breathe, idiot! Just breathe!"

He did it again, and again. Panicking when he felt no sign of a heartbeat, Arthur placed his hands onto his chest and crushed him several times, alternating with blowing air into his mouth. 

"Don’t… Merlin, don’t do this to me!" he shouted, then pushed down harder on his chest, trying to bring his beloved back to life. "I swear to God, Merlin, if you dare leave me…"

But Merlin wasn’t reacting. He was dead. 

Images of Merlin during their night of love flashed through his mind. His body, his arms around Arthur, his laughter, his sweet words, moaned softly in his ear as Arthur moved furiously but passionately inside him… 

"COME ON!" Arthur finally broke down. "BREATHE! IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED!"

He didn’t care for the world that he was now crying like a girl, shaking as he pushed and pushed, blowing air between blue lips. Merlin was lifeless, it almost felt useless by now. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t give up, just couldn’t…

But as Leon put a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, the words ‘ _He’s gone, Arthur, it’s too late_ ’ ready to be spoken, a weak cough came out of Merlin’s mouth. Arthur froze, eyes falling on Merlin’s still face. His eyes were moving slowly underneath his eyelids. Then Merlin coughed again, water coming out of his mouth as he choked, trying to catch some air. 

"That’s it, Merlin, thats it", he whispered. "Spill it all out and breathe slowly, steadily."

He grabbed his neck and held his head up as Merlin spilled water again, and they were all shocked to see the great amount of it he had actually managed to swallow. Merlin struggled to breathe as the water kept flowing from his mouth. But soon, Arthur lowered him again on the ground, and Merlin took in a breath, inhaling deeply. His eyes were still closed, his skin still an alarming shade of white, but he was alive, life pulsing again throughout his body. Arthur sighed heavily, his own heart had almost stopped…

Arthur couldn’t help but smile, hearing the sounds of relief his friends were making all around him. 

"Merlin?" he asked softly.

The young man seemed weak, and he half opened his eyes slowly. Arthur barely broke down another time when he took sight of the beautiful blue eyes, upon realizing he’d been so close to never see them again. Merlin’s look was unfocused, as he was working his way back to his senses. He looked so vulnerable, so lost there, lying on the ground. He looked his normal reckless and silly self. Arthur let out a nervous laugh.

"Merlin?" he repeated. "You with me?"

Merlin turned his head, very slowly, and finally their eyes met. For a long moment, Merlin just looked at him. Then, he opened his still blue lips.

"Arthur?" he whispered, in a voice so low Arthur almost didn’t hear him.

"Yes, I’m here. I’m here, Merlin."

"Wha’… happen’d… ?" he let out, eyes closing again. That’s when he started shivering. He looked so tired. 

"You fell down from the hill and into the river, you _bloody_ idiot. Have I ever told you how much of a buffoon you really are?"

Arthur felt his heart warm when he saw the little smile that was clinging at the corner of Merlin’s lips. His Merlin was back. Love swelled his chest and he smiled, letting the tears fall down his face. He’d been so scared, he didn’t care now if everyone saw him.

"Well, t-that s-sounds like me…" Merlin muttered, his voice a little louder but hoarse. 

Arthur laughed hysterically, still shaking. He was so happy, he couldn’t contain it. 

"Yeah, it does. How are you feeling?"

"Cold… and dizzy…"

Arthur looked again at the wound at Merlin’s head. For a moment he hadn’t cared about that damn wound, all that mattered was getting Merlin to wake up.

"Do you think you can stand?" Arthur asked, with a tender voice.

Merlin looked at Arthur again. His eyes were uncertain but they were a bit more focused and his lips were trembling.

"I think…" he said.

Arthur passed an arm under his back, and helped him to sit first. Merlin was so limp, he had lost all of his strengths, and he was weak because of the cold devouring his body. Arthur took one of Merlin’s arm and wrapped it around his neck so Merlin would hold onto him. The king jolted a little when he felt Merlin’s frozen fingers curling on his shoulder.

"I’m…uh…" Merlin started.

_Too weak to stand._

"It’s alright, Merlin, I’ve got you."

He reached his other arm to take Merlin’s legs. When the warlock was secured in his arms, settled against his chest, an arm around the blond’s shoulders, Arthur took a deep breath and rose with his precious burden. Merlin was shivering, shaking violently, and Arthur could feel the cold irradiating from his body.

"We need to get back to camp", Arthur declared when he turned towards the knights and Guinevere. 

She was standing there, looking startled, and shocked, and other things Arthur couldn’t comprehend for the moment. She looked almost… _jealous_. 

"Come on then", Leon said when no one else spoke. "It’s that way."

"Is he alright?" Gwaine asked when Arthur started walking.

The king looked down to see Merlin had closed his eyes again, his head lolling to the crook of Arthur’s shoulder. He wasn’t asleep, Arthur could tell by the way Merlin was clinging to his back, his cold fingers clenching to Arthur’s chainmail with such force he couldn’t be asleep. 

"Yeah, I think so. He just needs to get warm."

Gwaine nodded and went silent, joining the others as they walked ahead. Arthur was slower, because of the weigh he had to carry, but he was happy. And relieved. And grateful that Merlin was still with him and not in that river, cold, alone and suffocating to death. 

"’rthur…"

"What is it, Merlin?" he whispered, his chin brushing lightly against the top of Merlin’s head. The man smelled of water and blood. 

"’m sorry… didn’t mean to shout at you."

"It’s fine Merlin. I’m the one who should apologize. I took you for granted. And I disrespected Guinevere. But we’ll talk about it when you’ll be in better shape. Just stay with me until we’re back at camp, okay? Try not to fall asleep, not yet. Promise me."

"Promise."

And they were quiet until they made it to the camp. Merlin kept his promise, as his eyes were opened when Arthur gently set him on his bedroll, in his tent. Arthur quickly took off his cloak and wrapped it around his servant’s body. Merlin closed his eyes at the warm feeling, and snuggled in the fabric. It smelled like Arthur… 

"With me, Merlin."

"I’m not sleeping", Merlin groaned in a low voice.

"You better."

"Why can’t I sleep? ‘m so tired…"

"It’s probable that you have a concussion", Arthur explained. "I had one when I was younger. Gaius said I shouldn’t sleep right after I hit my head, that I had to wait a couple of hours. And when finally I could sleep, I had to be checked on every hour."

Merlin didn’t say anything, and remained silent for a long time. Worry washed over Arthur and he leaned, pressing a hand to Merlin’s shoulder.

"I’m still here", came the answer, Merlin’s voice steadier and even a little amused.

Arthur sighed. Then, after a pause, he leaned down again and kissed Merlin’s forehead. 

"Don’t you ever scare me like that again", he breathed against Merlin’s skin. 

He hesitated, then Arthur lied down beside Merlin and wrapped his arms around him from behind to try and get him warmer. His lips were no longer blue, they were back to their usual pale shade of pink, and Arthur wanted to kiss them so bad right now, but he knew he had to let Merlin recover, and rest. 

"Arthur?" Merlin asked after a while.

"Hmm?"

"Why did you never tell me that you knew? About…"

_About the magic._

Arthur sighed, and planted a kiss on the back of Merlin’s head. 

"I wanted you to be ready to tell me. Why did _you_ never tell me?"

"I…"

Arthur waited in silence and in darkness. It was calm, the sounds the knights made outside seemed far away. Merlin shifted, and finally turned so he would face Arthur. The blond plunged into the deep blue eyes of Merlin’s gaze. 

"I wanted to but… the right moment never seemed to… come. And I didn’t want you to have to divide your loyalty."

"I don’t think I would have ever done anything to hurt you, Merlin."

"How long have you known?"

"Since the dorocha incident, I think. I started to have my suspicions."

"And…"

"And I was only angry because I thought you didn’t trust me. But now I understand how heavy that secret must have been. It couldn’t’ve been easy…"

"All I ever did was protect you, Arthur. I only use it for you, I swear, I’m not…"

"Hush, Merlin", Arthur said with a smile. "Hush. I know. I trust you. There’s not a single bone in your body that’s evil. I don’t believe you’re evil and I never will. I saw you the other day, making donkeys and butterflies in the fire. Seriously, it was magnificent. And I know now everything you’ve done for me, for the kingdom."

"So… you’re okay with it?"

"Of course I am. It makes you special. You’ve always been special to me, there was always… something about you… I could never fathom you out, but now I know who you are. But just so we’re clear, Merlin: you’re still a clumsy fool. A clumsy fool that got nearly killed and I swear if you ever do this to me again, I…"

Arthur needed a minute to understand why he had stopped talking: Merlin had silenced him with a kiss. A gentle, trembling, chaste kiss. Arthur moved with him, loving the warmth of Merlin’s mouth. He was still alive… Alive and here, in his arms, where he belonged. Arthur could wish for no more, after seeing him lying there lifeless, on the ground near the river. His face a deathly pale tone and lips blue, no breath in his body and no pulsing through his veins, that was definitely something that would haunt him in his nightmares. 

He promised himself he would never let something like this happen ever again. 

 

* * *

"Is he alright?"

The voice was soft and hesitant, and Arthur opened his eyes when he heard it, realizing he had been sleeping too. He rose quietly, moving slowly when he saw that Merlin was fast asleep, trying not to wake him. Then the king looked at the entrance of the tent to see Guinevere standing there.

"Yes, he’s sleeping."

"God, I was so scared", she whispered, taking a few steps inside. "I thought we’d lost him…"

"Yeah, me too", Arthur said, his voice a low breath.

"I think we should talk, Arthur."

_Yes. We should_ , the king thought.

Guinevere had heard, right before Merlin ran outside the tent. She had heard a bit of their conversation. She must have wondered what it was that Merlin wanted Arthur to tell her. And she surely was confused now, seeing Arthur all wrapped up around Merlin — so much for keeping someone warm after almost drowning in a cold river. Arthur was aware that it shown. Their relationship, the love they felt for each other. It shown. And Guinevere was not stupid, nor oblivious.

"Come here, Guinevere", Arthur whispered softly, as he sat on the bedroll. 

She obeyed, walking slowly until she was close enough. Hesitantly, glancing at Merlin’s still form, buried under lots of blankets, she took a seat near Arthur. She kept her gaze down, playing with her fingers nervously, but after a while she lifted her head up.

"What is going on, Arthur?" she started. 

Arthur knew she wasn’t done, so he didn’t say anything, and let her continue.

"Are you two… You guys are together, right?" She sounded as if she couldn’t believe it, yet couldn’t deny it either, as it was clear as day. 

"Not exactly", Arthur said. "We… we kissed, a couple of times, but it was years ago. Before you and I were… Well, I thought I didn’t feel anything for Merlin anymore, and I love you Guinevere. I really do. But somehow, I never really forgot about my feelings for him. A couple of days ago, on the eve of our departure, I… We…"

"You slept together", she pointed the obvious, untold truth.

"Yeah", Arthur let out, shame covering his face as he couldn’t look away from Guinevere’s hurt eyes.

She looked at him for a moment, then she looked at Merlin, and sighed. 

"I guess I… I kind of knew it."

"What?"

"I always knew there was something special between you two. You’ve always been so close, too close for two simple friends. And just now… When you saved him. I never saw anyone so desperate in my entire life. I never saw you like this, Arthur. Not for me, not for anyone else but Merlin. There was fury in your eyes, despair. And I also notice when you look at him. You never looked at me the same way. When we were together, I thought you might have… loved me more, but now I know whatever I was thinking was delusional. There’s no one you love more than Merlin, Arthur."

"But Guinevere, you must believe me when I say I do love you…"

"I know, I believe you. But come on, Arthur… You love him more. A blind man could see it. What you two have is strong. Stronger than the world itself."

Arthur looked at Merlin, his peaceful expression, and knew Guinevere was right. He needed Merlin like he needed air in his lungs. Earlier, when Merlin wasn’t breathing, it had felt as if Arthur couldn’t breathe either. 

"I’m sorry."

"That’s what you guys have been meaning to tell me, isn’t it? That’s what your argument was all about?"

"I was stubborn, and couldn’t hurt any of you. I thought, selfishly, that I could have both of you, but Merlin… Merlin couldn’t hurt you. He wanted me to tell you. He wanted me to go on with our wedding. Wanted you to be queen. Said Camelot needed you as their queen."

Guinevere looked at him through a painful expression, and Arthur felt like his heart was being wrenched from his chest. It felt like shit to hurt someone as kind as Guinevere. 

Without any more words, she turned around, looking sorry — but no more sorry than Arthur — and walked away, muttering something like ‘ _Take care of Merlin_ ’.

 

* * *

 

It was hardly a week later when Guinevere timidly knocked at Arthur’s door. It was a quiet day and Arthur didn’t have any council meetings or any trainings. He was sitting at his table, writing down some speechs, even though he kept thinking about what had happened during the hunting trip.

Gwen walked into the chambers after Arthur said she could come in. She looked around as she came closer.

"Merlin isn’t here?"

"No. He’s with Gaius, I think."

"Arthur… I’ve been thinking."

Arthur noticed the serious tone of Guinevere’s voice and expression. He stopped what he was doing and stood. He walked around the table and closer to the young woman.

"About?" he asked.

"About what Merlin said to you. About Camelot needing a queen."

Arthur frowned, not knowing where exactly she was going with that. When she saw that Arthur didn’t have a clue about what she was saying, she sighed.

"That can still happen. Me being your queen. That can still happen", she repeated.

Before Arthur could talk, she rose her palms to stop him.

"I know what you think. You made it clear that you’ve made your choice. You love Merlin more than me and I understand that. I accepted it. But… Merlin is right, though. Camelot needs a queen, and an heir."

"No, Gwen, I could never ask that of you. I—"

"Merlin is a man, he can’t give you any heir. You probably won’t find a woman who will accept to be your queen and accept Merlin as your one true lover. I’m still your friend. And I care about the good of this kingdom."

"But what about you?" Arthur said. "You deserve someone all to yourself. Someone who will love you and only you."

"I can still have that."

"What man will ever take any interest in you if you’re a queen? If they believe you’re romantically involved with me?"

"Don’t worry about me, Arthur. I love you, I love Merlin, I love Camelot. There is no greater honour for me than try and do whatever I can to make this kingdom a better place."

"Gwen…"

"This is my offer, Arthur. If you’d rather have a queen from another kingdom who will despise Merlin and who will not be able to understand your feelings for him, then it’s your decision. I’m just saying that I… I’m ready to be your partner, your queen. I’ll be your queen but in the intimacy of your chambers, you’ll have Merlin. And no one will ever question it. It’ll be our secret."

Arthur couldn’t believe it. She was actually ready to make such a sacrifice for the good of Camelot? She was right, as was Merlin: Camelot needed a queen, and an heir. Arthur didn’t have any brother or sister to continue the Pendragon dynasty at his place. And Merlin wasn’t able to produce any child, at least not with him. Guinevere was ready to take the role of queen even though Arthur would still be with Merlin. 

After a moment’s reflection, he lifted his chin up to glance at the servant — who was so much more than a servant. She had a queen’s wisdom and a noble heart. 

"You sure you’re okay with that?"

"Yes. I am. Are _you_?"

"Camelot sure needs a queen. Not necessarily right now but in a few years the council will probably put pressure on me to find one, and produce an heir."

Arthur sighed heavily as he turned to walk towards the window. 

"Sometimes it sucks to be royal. If only I could…"

"Run away and become a farmer?" Gwen said with a soft, amused voice.

She took a few steps, and Arthur looked at her. She had a tender smile. She remembered what he had said all these years ago when they went on a secret date.

"I remember you saying you’d take Merlin with you."

Arthur closed his eyes. After a moment, he smiled too.

"Yeah… I guess even then I was always… blindly…"

"Blindly, madly, deeply in love with him?" Gwen added.

"Yeah…" the king sighed in a whisper.

"I understand."

"You don’t have to do that."

"I know, but I want to. I still love you and I want to make it easier for you. I want to take some of this burden off your shoulders. You’re a fair and just man, and a great king so far. You deserve to be happy."

"What about you?" Arthur asked in a small voice, sounding like a desperate little boy. He was sincerely concerned about Guinevere. 

"I’ll be alright, don’t worry about me."

"We’ll have to talk about this with Merlin."

"Yes. I’m sure he will be hard to convince, but I made up my mind."

Arthur smiled. Yes, Merlin too wouldn’t want Guinevere to sacrifice everything for them. He was so kind — he was the one, after all, that had done everything he could to bring them together. Arthur smiled to himself, and as he opened his arms to invite Guinevere for a hug, and as she snuggled close to him, he thought about Merlin. The young servant would have quite a surprise too, with what Arthur planned for him. First, he would make Guinevere his queen, and when the kingdom would come to a peaceful and golden age, he would lift the ban on magic and make Merlin his Court Sorcerer. They would rule Camelot together. And they’d all be happy. 

 

* * *

 

Merlin had been, indeed, hard to convince, but Guinevere had made up her mind, as she had told Arthur that day. After a few months, he finally saw what good it could bring to the kingdom. He had been worried about Gwen, mostly. But she had been alright. During the year that had followed that fateful night, Gwen had tried to get over her love for Arthur in learning how to be a queen. She drowned herself in books and political meetings. Leon helped her as did the other knights. 

In between all these changes, Merlin’s magic was revealed, somewhere during the year, to his closest friends — Gwen, Gwaine, Leon, Elyan and Percival — and it was also said that Arthur and Merlin were together and that Gwen had decided to be Arthur’s queen. All these revelations were a shock to all of them, but they all accepted the trio’s decisions. Then, eventually, Leon and Guinevere became involved with each other. A month before the coronation, they officially declared they were together. Leon loved the future queen, and understood and respected her decisions — he too wanted nothing more than the good of Camelot, and he knew Arthur wouldn’t take advantage of Guinevere, he knew Arthur was a good man and would respect the young woman.

So everything was alright in the end, Arthur thought. What more could he ask for?

Eventually, Guinevere was taken to her own chambers to prepare, with servants and maids, for their big day. She kissed Arthur and Merlin’s cheeks before leaving. Once they were alone, Arthur walked towards the man he loved. 

"I wish I could make you my queen", he whispered, leaning close to kiss him.

Merlin smiled as their noses brushed slightly.

"Hmm… I’m not sure about that. Gowns don’t really suit me."

"You’re right. Anyway, I plan on making you Court Sorcerer, so you’ll have to wear large robes and pointy hats instead. You’ll grow a beard with that, too. You’ll be quite cute."

"Ha, ha, ha, yeah, sure, no thanks", the warlock laughed, rolling his eyes. "Dollop-head."

Arthur then shut him up with a long and demanding kiss. He could still remember the horror he had felt when Merlin fell from that hill, and down in the river. Merlin’s cold and limp body, lifeless in his arms. 

He could never go through that ever again… and was so happy that they were here, together, free to love each other — even if it was only in the intimacy of their chambers. Their closest allies and knights knew about it. Everything was perfect.

"Think Guinevere will be alright?"

"Of course she will", Merlin said. "She is a queen at heart. Always has been."

"You’re right."

Arthur smiled, still remembering the day his father had said that Guinevere had no idea what it meant to be a queen. He wondered what Uther would be thinking if he knew that in a couple hours, Morgana’s young maid would be crown Queen of Camelot. He would certainly be revolted. But yet again, what would he say if he knew that Arthur was in love with Merlin, who not only was his _man_ servant, but also happened to be a sorcerer? 

Not everything turned out to be the way it was meant to be, the way his father wanted things to be, but Camelot was a better place. Camelot had a fair and just King, a wise and powerful Protector, and a kind and strong Queen.

It was everything Arthur had ever hoped for.

 

 


End file.
